The gang that couldn't shoot straight...again

Forty-eight years ago a comedy movie about the mafia was made. It was called, "The gang that couldn't shoot straight" (aka The Gang). It was panned by movie critics as well as the mafia that didn't much care for the film's portrayal of real-life mafia gangster, Joe Gallo. I think that enough time has passed and that our memory of this stinker has faded so that the movie can be re-made, this time with a different role for loudmouth Liberal Robert DeNiro. Before we go on to the new plot, have a look at the colorful names of the cast of characters of The Gang: Kid Sally, Big Momma, Big Jelly, Beppo, Water Buffalo and Shots O'Toole. One can only marvel at the screenwriter's creativity - not seriously. Here's the new plot... It's all about the corrupt media and how they plan to take over the country, but first they have to remove the only thing standing in their way - a multi-billionaire real estate mogul who has become President. They are conspirators in perhaps the biggest heist since the Lufthansa robbery at JFK Airport in 1978 (yes, Robert DeNiro was also in the movie that 'immortalized' that heist, 'Goodfellas'). The media villains in the remake chose media assassination instead of physical assassination to accomplish their goal of taking over the hearts and minds of the country. In short, they collude in a massive smear campaign to get the President to step down. (Any similarity to the current situation unfolding as a result of the 'Mueller Investigation' and the last three years of media bias-assassination is purely coincidental - my lawyers made me say that).

Okay, now to the principal shooting sites. Where else can they be except for the Big Apple (NYC) and the Rotten Apple (DC)? The principal characters are, in no special order, the major news and cable networks, the owners of the New York Times and Washington Post AND the CEOs of Facebook, Twitter and Google. All have agreed to play themselves as their egos could not handle some actor actually representing them.

A 'B' list of characters includes two top former intelligence agency heads and a number of once-vaunted reporters (think Woodward and Bernstein) and 'opinion-makers' like media pundits (think Maddow, Matthews, Lemon, Veshi, et. al). To this, add assorted Democratic Party hacks (think Adam Schiff, Eric Swalwell, Jerry Nadler and all the Democrat candidates for President) and then throw in a couple totally certifiable types for seasoning (think Maxine Waters and Al Green for example) and the hosts of the major late-night shows. Now THAT'S entertainment!

It's 2016, and the movie opens with a boomed camera wide shot of a massive table where at least fifty people are seated. The lighting is dim and ominous music is being played. The camera pans over to a huge 20-foot tall projector screen on which is a menacing image of the President of the United States (think Donald Trump). The doors to an ante-room open, slowly, and in walks DeNiro (who is playing the central character, I.M. Muerto, who secretly owns controlling interest in all the major networks as well as the Times and The Post). He is accompanied by three men who no one but Muerto knows or recognizes. They are actually top echelon officials from the SVR - the intelligence agency that is concerned with the collection of intelligence outside the Commonwealth of Independent States, the G.U. - the intelligence service of the Russian armed forces and the FSB - counter-intelligence agency that reports directly to the President of Russia. 

Muerto sits down and pours himself a large vodka and offers the bottle to the three who gladly serve themselves. He then stands, looks out at the people around the table and screams, "I'm mad as Hell and I'm not going to take it anymore." He then chuckles to himself and says, "That was from 'Network,' one of my favorite movies. Believe me, that was tame compared to how we are going to make Americans feel about their President. When we're done with him, he'll wish he'd never been born," and slams his fist on the table for emphasis.

The plot thickens, and more twists and turns and new characters are added, like the Director and Deputy Director of the FBI and the heads of renegade DC companies (think Fusion GPS).

DeNiro hopes that this movie will bring him the adulation he craves and another 'Best Actor' nomination for his portrayal of I.M. Muerto (he's tired of doing stupid movies like 'Meet the Fockers' and wants some respect). Personally, I think America is ready for this re-make of 'The gang that couldn't shoot straight' especially now that we don't have the Mueller Investigation to occupy our every waking minute. I'm only sorry that the producer (think Rob Reiner) rejected Alec Baldwin for the part of the President. He would have been great, but I'm sure that Anthony Hopkins will class up the scenes and give it a British 'bump' that should sell some tickets in the U.K. (God knows they need the diversion given all their Brexit problems).  

Stephan Helgesen is a former career U.S. diplomat who lived and worked in thirty different countries, specializing in export promotion. He is now a political analyst and strategist and author of nine books and over 1,000 articles on politics, the economy and social trends. He can be reached at: stephan@stephanhelgesen.com